My Old Roommate or The Wacky Adventures of Shannon....

So I used to live with a very effeminate fellow named Shannon.  I wish I could say that wasn't his real name, but it was... and it was hilarious.  Now, he could quite easily be described as a typical metrosexual... I might even go so far as to say he was most likely a fancy gentleman.  He was also a class A douche-bag.  Now, all man loving proclivities aside, Shannon got into the craziest situations which I will now tell you ALL about, and I will pepper it with questionable images of this individual.  Put your fun hats on!

Bask in the Gayness

"Andrea"
Shannon, albeit a decent looking fellow, was quite fond of internet dating.  I don't know why he was trolling for women as he clearly favored gentlemen, but who am I to judge.  The first incident I can remember is a girl named Andrea who lived in Northern Virginia.  She apparently attended a Christian University as well, which should have been a red flag right away... or not.  Who knows?  Anyway, he had arranged for her to come visit for a weekend.  So, she called to let him know she was leaving early on in the afternoon.  Many hours later, Shannon started becoming concerned as she had not called or arrived after what should have been roughly a 4 hour trip.

So, being the rational individual that he was, be began calling the Virginia State Police and any hospital that would talk to him along 95.  This too persisted for several hours to no avail.  At some point, a friend of this Andrea (if that is her real name) called Shannon to tell him she'd been in a bad accident along 95 and had to be airlifted to... wait for it... Boston.  Airlifted to Boston?!  Seriously?  That's the story as it was told to me immediately after being told to him.  But wait!  There's more!

Somewhere along the lines of this planning, Shannon had managed to get this girls grandmothers phone number.  Don't ask me how or why, because I don't know.  I DO know that he called her several hours later to offer condolences, and he was promptly greeted by... Surprise!  "But Andrea's been here all day... would you like to talk to her?"

Ha!  What followed was an amazing web of lies about how the accident had happened, and she HAD been airlifted to Boston, fixed up, and immediately airlifted back and discharged to continue about her day.  I sat in amazement as he demanded that she send him pictures of her injuries and hospital report...  and I thought I was a freak.  Amazing.

 Shannon's signature GQ pose.

"Heather"
I think her name was Heather.  It might have been Heath.  I don't know.  In any case, this awesomeness occurred shortly after we had moved into a large rented house.  Shannon, my best friend Scott and I all shared this particular domicile.  Well, this girl was from South Carolina or Georgia or something.  Moving on...  Shannon decided it would be an amazing and romantic idea to mow... MOW... this girls name into our backyard.  So he let the grass get pretty high, and then mowed her name into it.  He seriously did it.  And not only did he do it, he set the mower too low and it killed the grass.  So for the whole summer, we got to see "Heather" in the backyard.

So anyway, being unable to contain his excitement he took pictures of his masterpiece and emailed it to this girl.  I don't know what the reaction was, but she still agreed to make the trip up to see him.  Fast Forward to the big day... this girl calls and tells Shannon she's close but she's a little lost, and fires off a couple local street names for him to come find her.  He left in search of this girl, and returns alone two hours later the apparent victim of "fun with google maps".  Good times were had by all!  Well, except for Shannon. 

Is an explanation even necessary here?

"Random Raleigh Girl"
There was a point where he had met some girl... like, a real girl... at a bar or some shit like that.  Well, he'd arranged to come see her the following weekend, and even got an address to come pick her up.  Saturday rolls around... Scott and I are doing something out front, most likely working on a car.  Shannon emerges from the house in an all black suit with a dozen roses.  There's no way he can fail!  Or can he...

About 3 hours later, he returns with roses in hand.  His dates address had turned out to be an empty warehouse.  Coincidence?  I think not.  His disappointment was quite palpable as he did what I refer to as the "reverse walk of shame" alone back into the house.

 No one thought this was funny.

"The Hair"
One day, Shannon and I are driving somewhere.  Where?  Inconsequential.  What's important is that I'm driving, and he is the passenger.  As were driving, I couldn't help but notice that something looks off.  I can't tell what it is, but there's something just not right about him.  Then I see it.  He has no hair on his legs.  I mean none.  This is what followed...

Me:  "DUDE!  What the fuck happened to your leg hair?"
Shannon:  "I shaved it off"
Me:  "You sha...what?  Seriously?  What the fuck?
Shannon:  "Uh, yeah.  I'm a runner."
Me:  "You're kidding, right?  A runner?"
Shannon:  "Yeah."
Me:  "Where's the hair on your arms?  Same place?"
Shannon:  "I'm a runner."
Me:  "You're a hairless freak."

Nothing screams straight like a cosmo.

Stay tuned for more wacky adventures!